Includes tags: Spiritual friendship, Association with people of integrity
“As I consider which aspects of my life could be simplified, it occurs to me that I have two different friendships which may no longer be worth the trade off in time or energy. After spending time with either of these friends, I tend to be more drained of my very limited energy, possible because neither is very self-aware and both talk a lot. What is my obligation to an old friend who has recently come through a really hard time in her life or to a new friend whose health and living situation are precarious. Is there a graceful way to bow out of a friendship without harming the other person?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Spiritual friendship ] [Simplicity] // [Time management]
1. Reflections about the occasion. Contributed by Joseph Kappel. [Spiritual friendship] [Ajahn Chah] // [Joseph Kappel]
3. What drew us to Ajahn Chah? Reflection by Joseph Kappel. [Association with people of integrity] [Ajahn Chah] // [Culture/West] [Three Refuges] [Teachers] [Media]
2. “What happens when someone carefully builds the fire, but it turns into a forest fire–uncontrollable–and the person experiences mania, delusions, and paranoia? What is the spiritual treatment?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Mental illness] [Delusion] // [Precepts] [Association with people of integrity] [Generosity] [Becoming] [Medicinal requisites] [Thai] [Work]
Quote: “One of the first spiritual treatments is to get them to stop meditating.” [Meditation]
Recollection: Ajahn Pasanno learned by experience that meditation is not a panacea. [Ajahn Pasanno] [Wat Pah Nanachat]
11. “What is the most fun part about being a monk?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Monastic life] [Happiness] // [Association with people of integrity]
6. “For most of the time on this retreat, I’ve tried to work with a persistent problem from a variety of angles, but as I work with it it seems to get worse; it seems obsessional. Any suggestions?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Meditation retreats] [Everyday life] [Goodwill] [Proliferation] // [Volitional formations] [Habits] [Spiritual friendship] [Patience]
6. Reading from the draft biography: Ajahn Chah leaves his companions and stays alone. Read by Ajahn Pasanno. [Tudong] [Seclusion] [Culture/Thailand] [Ajahn Chah] // [Spiritual friendship]
Reference: Stillness Flowing by Ajahn Jayasaro, p. 89
Quote: “Where is the good person? He lies within us. If we’re good, then wherever we go, the goodness stays with us.” — Ajahn Chah. [Virtue] [Spiritual friendship] [Blame and praise]
4. “Can the practice be used in a punitative or punishing way?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Guilt/shame/inadequacy] // [Culture/West] [Habits] [Clear comprehension] [Craving not to become]
Quote: “Having a human mind...it’s amazing how perverse it can be sometimes.” [Human] [Unwholesome Roots]
Story: Ajahn Pasanno can’t translate guilt into Thai. [Ajahn Pasanno] [Translation] [Culture/Thailand] [Suffering]
Quote: “All you need to do is create a cage of mindfulness around [unskillful habits].” — Ajahn Chah. [Ajahn Chah] [Sense restraint] [Mindfulness] [Unskillful qualities] [Similes]
Follow-up: “What about letting the tiger go instead of keeping it in a cage?”
Follow-up: “What about the case when one feels one is the tiger trapped in a metaphorical cage. How to escape?” [Liberation] [Perception] [Self-identity view] [Spiritual friendship]
2. Comment: It’s not so easy to let go of people who have been in my life forever to cultivate new friendships. [Relinquishment] [Spiritual friendship]
Response by Ajahn Pasanno. [Judgementalism] [Virtue] [Ajahn Pasanno] [Views]
4. “If my sister has unwholesome friendships, how can I help her redirect these?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Family] [Spiritual friendship] // [Compassion] [Judgementalism] [Right Intention] [Right Speech] [Admonishment/feedback]
Story: An Abhayagiri monk skillfully conveys concerns to his father. [Abhayagiri]
5. Meditation instruction: Walking meditation instructions. Offered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Posture/Walking] [Spiritual friendship] // [Continuity of mindfulness] [Tranquility]
1. “The Buddha said ‘One is expected to cultivate the path when you meet noble friends.’ How much responsibility do we need to take for this?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Spiritual friendship] [Association with people of integrity] [Volition]
3. “Can you give some suggestions on dealing with betrayal in relationships?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Relationships] [Sexual misconduct] [Trust] // [Spiritual friendship] [Faith] [Virtue] [Generosity] [Discernment] [Judgementalism] [Monastic life]
Sutta: Amaravati Chanting Book, p. 46: The Highest Blessings (Mangala Sutta, SN 2.4)
8. “Would you please comment on ‘The Highest Blessings’ where is reads: ‘Avoiding those of foolish ways...and cherishing family.’ What if family members engage in foolish ways like addiction to alcohol and one can not always avoid them? Can one cherish one of foolish ways?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Family] [Spiritual friendship] [Intoxicants]
19. “Are there any times or situations where formal practice is not particularly helpful? If so, please explain why and then some alternative practices.” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Meditation/General advice] [Meditation ] // [Spiritual friendship] [Posture/Walking] [Chanting] [Culture/West] [Ajahn Pasanno] [Cleanliness] [Restlessness and worry]
Quote: “For some mental illnesses, you really want to be very careful.” [Mental illness]
28. “After 20 plus years of having a daily practice and Dharma being first priority, I just up and stopped meditating one day about two years ago...Can you talk about this ‘rolling up the mat’ [phenomenon]? Why it happens, how and when, etc?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Meditation] [Long-term practice ] // [Idealism] [Purpose/meaning] [Right Effort] [Spiritual friendship]
6. “I find I do need some pleasures even thought they don’t last, things like fine arts and being in nature. I’m curious, how did you manage as a monk in your early years at Ajahn Chah’s monastery where there’s almost no pleasure....How did you manage to keep going over the years until the present?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Sensual desire] [Artistic expression] [Culture/Natural environment] [Ajahn Pasanno] [Monastic life] [Ajahn Chah] [Food] [Entertainment and adornment] [Monastic life/Motivation] // [Cessation of Suffering] [Happiness ] [Simplicity ] [Association with people of integrity] [Empathetic joy] [Human] [Hindrances] [Jhāna] [Virtue] [Discernment]
Quote: “One of the extraordinary perks of being a monk is that everyone tries to be good around you.”
Sutta: MN 36.32: “Why am I afraid of that happiness?” [Buddha/Biography] [Ascetic practices] [Suffering] [Skillful qualities] [Eightfold Path]
Quote: “As a monk, I can look back on forty years of living in a way where I don’t have to feel remorseful or regret anything.”
13. “Is that where when one isn’t meditating per se but where virtue would come in to inform whether we have slipped or not?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Virtue] // [Upasikā Kee Nanayon] [Ajahn Chah] [Conscience and prudence] [Similes] [Spiritual friendship]
Quote: “The defilements have their wisdom also.” — Ajahn Chah. [Unwholesome Roots] [Discernment] [Delusion]
4. The trio of Ajahn Piak, Ajahn Anan, and Ajahn Dtun. Recollection by Ajahn Pasanno. [Ajahn Piak ] [Ajahn Anan ] [Ajahn Dtun ] [Wat Pah Pong] [Spiritual friendship] [Ajahn Chah]
Quote: “Ajahn Dtun’s path is the path of wisdom...Ajahn Piak is gifted in samādhi. And I have very strong faith.” — Ajahn Anan. [Discernment] [Concentration] [Faith]
7. “Is it common for older men to ordain?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Older monks] // [Postulants] [Association with people of integrity]
3. “If you keep chipping away at a theme of contemplation, you keep doing it, doing it, and nothing is changing in your experience, at some stage you feel this isn’t working, do you just have to move on and try something else? Is it the case that you just have to try them all? No-one can tell you which is going to work for you?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Depression] [Recollection] // [Patience] [Spiritual friendship]
Story: Ajahn Wanchai has a spinal injury and is in chronic pain but doesn’t refer to himself. Told by Ajahn Pasanno and Ajahn Ñāṇiko. [Ajahn Wanchai] [Suffering] [Sickness] [Pain] [Conceit]
4. Comment: The story you told where a monk was punched, I really didn’t see the point of that. [Ajahn Jia] [Admonishment/feedback] [Fierce/direct teaching]
Response by Ajahn Pasanno and Ajahn Cunda: Enlightened people still have personalities. [Cleanliness] [Liberation] [Personality] [Ajahn Tate] [Spiritual friendship] [Vinaya]
Quote: “Gold wrapped in a dirty rag.” — Ajahn Mahā Boowa describing Ajahn Jia.. [Ajahn Mahā Boowa] [Similes]
Recollection: Ajahn Chah was always the center of attention. [Ajahn Chah] [Personal presence]
Story: Some monks go to spend Vassa with Ajahn Jia, but he leaves to take care of his teacher. Told by Ajahn Cunda. [Rains retreat] [Ajahn Khao]
15. “Living in the West, chances are most of us will die in a hospital, which could be quite chaotic. Any advice?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Culture/West] [Health care] [Death] // [Spiritual friendship] [Community] [Saṅgha]
Story: The Abhayagiri community attends to a dying lay supporter. [Abhayagiri]
Comments about hospitals contributed by Ajahn Karuṇadhammo.
13. “This is a comment to say thank you to the whole Sangha, really, for your interest in practice. We were doing walking meditation and there was such a contrast between the cars driving through and the walking practice. Usually, I feel more alone in practice. It feels so good not to be the odd one out. You guys almost made me cry with sweeping the walking paths yesterday. Thank you Sangha.” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Gratitude] [Posture/Walking] [Spiritual friendship]
5. “I’m not sure how to be with close friends or family members who out of a desire to avoid pain and find happiness engage in self-destructive behaivor that also harms those around them.” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Family] [Spiritual friendship] [Unskillful qualities] [Craving] [Compassion] // [Discernment]
Sutta: Maṅgala Sutta: Don’t associate with fools.
10. “Any advice for cures for burnout? I’m in a helping profession and feel depleted and exhausted. I need help getting the balance between giving and receiving.” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Depression] [Work] [Health] [Generosity] [Compassion ] // [Culture/West] [Idealism] [Commentaries] [Selfishness]
Quote: “Compassion in the English language means ‘to suffer with.’ If you end up suffering with too much, you end up burnt out.” [Language] [Suffering]
Quote: “Don’t think you’re a ten-wheeled dump truck when all you are is a wheelbarrow.” — Ajahn Chah. [Ajahn Chah]
Commentary: Path of Purification by Bhikkhu Ñāṇamoli, p. 291: Classical cultivation of goodwill and compassion, first to yourself. [Goodwill]
Quote: “Our ability to be with others and to help and to give is dependent on our being kind and compassionate to ourselves.” [Spiritual friendship] [Self-reliance]
2. “What did the Buddha think following his teachings should mean or entail?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Three Refuges] [Precepts] [Buddhist identity ] // [Virtue] [Lay life] [Five Precepts] [Faith] [Generosity] [Association with people of integrity] [Hearing the true Dhamma] [Learning] [Practicing in accordance with Dhamma] [Conceit]
Sutta: AN 8.26 Jīvaka Sutta
13. “When you’re living on the precepts, how do I relate to (for example) a friend who tells me about an affair they are having?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno and Ajahn Jotipālo. [Precepts] [Spiritual friendship] [Sexual misconduct] // [Skillful qualities] [Admonishment/feedback] [Discernment] [Right Speech] [Vinaya] [Abhayagiri]
Quote: “Don’t admonish your fellow monks before the meal.” — Ajahn Chah. Quoted by Ajahn Pasanno. [Ajahn Chah] [Monastic life] [Food] [Eating after noon]
12. “I am wondering if you could talk about spiritual bypass? What is it? How do you know if you’ve done it? And how do you disentangle from it?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Spiritual bypass ] // [Conflict] [Not-self] [Truth] [Views] [Spiritual friendship]
Story: Half the roof blows off a monk’s kuti, but he doesn’t repair it because he is letting go. [Ajahn Chah] [Lodging] [Relinquishment]
3. “As I consider which aspects of my life could be simplified, it occurs to me that I have two different friendships which may no longer be worth the trade off in time or energy. After spending time with either of these friends, I tend to be more drained of my very limited energy, possible because neither is very self-aware and both talk a lot. What is my obligation to an old friend who has recently come through a really hard time in her life or to a new friend whose health and living situation are precarious. Is there a graceful way to bow out of a friendship without harming the other person?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Spiritual friendship ] [Simplicity] // [Time management]
9. “Some of my suffering in the current situation comes from feeling compassion with regard to specific suffering that I’m aware of and not acting in response to it. What are helpful stories to frame a patient, long-term effort to effect change?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Suffering] [Compassion] [Patience] [Long-term practice] [Politics and society] [Kamma] [Activism] [Views] // [Association with people of integrity] [Right Effort]
Quote: “And just because one doesn’t see results doesn’t mean one shouldn’t do something....To put the causes into something–that’s the only way that change is going to happen.” [Conditionality]
14. “I keep mostly to myself, but morality and ethics affects the jist of my involvement in society. What should I be doing further to address social suffering?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Virtue] [Community] [Suffering] [Right Effort] [Politics and society] // [Spiritual friendship] [Goodwill]
16. “I spread lovingkindness from home and don’t have the good fortune of meeting with like minds who practice to perfect sīla. Any suggestions?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Lay life] [Goodwill] [Spiritual friendship] [Virtue]
Quote: Ajahn Chah to Ajahn Sumedho: “Do you mean to say there’s no good people in America?” [Ajahn Chah] [Ajahn Sumedho] [Culture/West]
21. “Is the philosophy of this community totally against fun?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Monastic life] [Entertainment and adornment] [Happiness] [Recreation/leisure/sport] // [Association with people of integrity] [Culture/Natural environment]
3. Reflection by Ajahn Pasanno: Establishing relations with family and friends in Dhamma. [Family] [Spiritual friendship] [Dhamma] [Ajahn Chah]
Recollection: Ajahn Chah would sometimes allow Westerners to ordain without their parent’s permission. [Ordination] [Parents] [History/Western Buddhist monasticism]
11. “What is the best way to navigate the people that we love that have unskillful behaivors but we don’t want to cut out of our lives?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Family] [Spiritual friendship] [Unskillful qualities] // [Compassion] [Patience] [Truth] [Aversion] [Admonishment/feedback]
14. “Even reading scripturally-oriented material can be used as an escape; it’s easier than meditating. I was wondering about the precept on entertainment, beautification and adornment. Can you give some advice on how to interpret this in practical terms?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Learning] [Craving not to become] [Entertainment and adornment] // [Idealism] [Discernment] [Idle chatter] [Spiritual friendship] [Faith] [Media] [Ajahn Soṇa] [Abhayagiri] [Dhamma online] [Ajahn Pasanno]
9. Question about cultivating goodwill towards a difficult coworker. Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Work] [Goodwill] [Forgiveness] // [Suffering] [Right Effort] [Craving] [Relinquishment] [Kamma]
Comment: Sometimes having metta means leaving the situation. [Association with people of integrity] [Clear comprehension]
Reference: Amaravati Chanting Book, p. 46
3. “Did vibhavatanha arise in any of the monks at the loss of the Buddha? How do we notice vibhavatanha in practice, and what is a wise and compassionate response?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Craving not to become ] [Death] [Grief ] [Sutta] [Buddha/Biography] // [Stream entry] [Stages of awakening] [Recollection/Dhamma] [Three Refuges] [Precepts] [Spiritual friendship] [Devotional practice] [Suffering]
Sutta: DN 16: Mahāparinibbāna Sutta [Nibbāna]
Story: The funeral of a close Wat Pah Nanachat supporter. [Funerals] [Wat Pah Nanachat]
5. “How to reach the state of peace and serenity when we’re just human beings and we strive to be good people?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Tranquility] [Equanimity] [Human] [Virtue] // [Happiness] [Generosity] [Association with people of integrity] [Hearing the true Dhamma] [Hindrances]
Sutta: DN 2: Sāmaññaphala Sutta - Fruits of the Holy Life
Quote: When asked about his attainments as a monk, “I’m just really happy about all the things I didn’t do.” — Ajahn Pasanno. [Ajahn Pasanno] [Stages of awakening] [Monastic life] [Sense restraint]
3. “What would you advise someone living a lay life with no intention of becoming a monk?” Answered by Ajahn Karuṇadhammo. [Lay life ] // [Dhamma] [Spiritual friendship]
9. “How to forgive a person who has hurt and done very wrong things to you?” Answered by Ajahn Karuṇadhammo. [Forgiveness ] [Abuse/violence] // [Aversion] [Memory] [Mindfulness of body] [Kamma] [Spiritual friendship] [Proliferation]
See also the previous question, “How do you deal with anger?”
12. “If we don’t have a saṅgha close to where we live, should we move to a different place, or are online saṅghas good enough? Can non-Buddhist people be part of your saṅgha?” Answered by Ajahn Ñāṇiko. [Community] [Meditation groups] [Online community] [Buddhist identity] [Spiritual friendship]
Quote: “You don’t convert people to Buddhism.” — The Dalai Lama. [Dalai Lama]
14. “Have you ever suffered from some sort of addiction and how did you recover from it? What would be your advice for someone suffering from an addiction?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Ajahn Pasanno] [Addiction] [Suffering] // [Sensual desire] [Self-identity view] [Spiritual friendship] [Three Refuges] [Happiness] [Appropriate attention]
4. “You spoke about the teachings and the training. What is the training for a lay practitioner other than the Five Precepts?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno and Ajahn Amaro. [Dhamma] [Vinaya] [Lay life] [Five Precepts] // [Meditation] [Communal harmony] [Right Livelihood] [Family] [Work] [Politics and society] [Spiritual friendship]
1. Comment: I listen to the talks and read the books, and everything is so logical and rational, but I’m still stuck in habitual patterns of living. [Hearing the true Dhamma] [Dhamma books] [Everyday life] [Habits]
Response by Ajahn Pasanno. [Association with people of integrity] [Community] [Monasteries] [Lunar observance days] [Online community] [Chanting] [Spiritual friendship] [Impermanence] [Monastic life/Motivation] [Generosity]
Quote: “When you’re living with a group of people, not everybody is depressed and lazy and fed up at the same time.” [Unwholesome Roots]
Sutta: SN 55.5 Sāriputta [Factors for stream entry]
5. “I feel that a lot of people are disconnected with the reality world. They don’t have a place of social, and they withdraw themselves and go on the internet. So I think the fundamental problem is people [audio unclear] in this real world. Do you have any comments on how to connect people in the real world so there can be a replacement of social media?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Community] [Social media] [Internet] // [Dhamma online] [Pandemic] [Online community] [Abhayagiri] [Lunar observance days]
Sutta: SN 55.5: Spiritual friendship as a condition for Right View. [Spiritual friendship] [Right View] [Conditionality] [Appropriate attention]
13. “I am in a challenging situation at work and thinking of moving to a different position. How can I tell whether this is skillful or unskillful?” Answered by Ajahn Pasanno. [Work] [Discernment] // [Spiritual friendship]
8. I arrived when Abhayagiri turned five. Recollection by Ajahn Ñāṇiko. [Ajahn Ñāṇiko] [Abhayagiri] // [Ajahn Karuṇadhammo] [Ajahn Sudanto] [Ordination] [Sīladharā]
Recollection: The little house was the beating heart of Abhayagiri. [Lodging] [Ajahn Amaro] [Ajahn Pasanno] [Questions] [Gratitude] [Goodwill]
Quote: “I want to ordain. What do I do?” — Ajahn Ñāṇiko’s first email to the Abhayagiri guestmonk. [Ajahn Achalo] [Idealism]
Story: “Look, I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to practice.” [Spiritual friendship]
Quote: “Don’t think about it too much.” — Ajahn Pasanno to Ajahn Ñāṇiko. [Monastic life/Motivation] [Proliferation]