Refuge of Empathy

…Can we invite others into that Refuge of empathy?

Especially in hearing people talk, try to hear beneath the topic, the dismissed remark, the stresses, the places where the pauses occur and there’s a reaching out for response–what is needed? And what arises in your own heart when others talk? Are there character assessments, and inferences about hidden motives? Does your attention wane until there’s the “Oh here he goes again” of resigned indifference?

Feel how any of that is in your body. You may sense a slight tightening in the shoulder, or a withholding in the chest. Feel how the body senses that dis-ease: a non-specific sense of irritation, restlessness or nervousness. Sure, other people’s stuff isn’t always what we want but none of us can always be a source of delight.

So practise: feel your own presence and the steady intent that comes from meditation–and spread your awareness around you: “to others as to myself.” Let that be your Refuge. This might help others, but at any rate we get big-hearted. And the uncramped heart feels like this: “It’s good to be here.” There’s no “deserves it” or “don’t get attached” or getting swept away with moods. It’s just steady heartfulness.

Of course all of us need to have boundaries–doors that close–but all of us need doors that open as well. We can’t move, and can’t feel our own fullness if we’re closed in on ourselves; these measureless abidings are a necessity. They can be developed a little at a time…and…our resources will grow.

So our personal boundaries are to be maintained with mutual understanding and appreciation; it’s not that we shouldn’t have privacy and solitude, but we don’t have to retract in that “bolting rabbit” fashion. If we’re clear, “out here” can be a context wherein we acknowledge and cooperate in terms of each other’s needs. It doesn’t have to be a Desolation Row.

May we empathize with our wish for well-being, for freedom from hostility, for appreciation and enjoyment, to accept and to be accepted. “To others as to myself”: this has to be the standard for the human realm.

This reflection by Ajahn Sucitto is from the article, Cultivating Empathy.