Kindness in Conflict

When there’s a conflict or a disagreement, we often just bounce off each other with our emotional reactions. Mostly we immediately pick up the other person’s emotional state, whether they’re afraid, aggressive or judgmental, for example. Often this doesn’t allow us to hear what that person has to say, even if it’s actually quite sensible. Before the argument even enters the rational part of our mind, we react on an emotional level to the other person’s emotional state.

If we have to point out something difficult to someone, it is much easier and often more effective if we can maintain a sense of kindness towards that person. It doesn’t always work, of course; but they are more likely to listen to us if they are able to pick up the fact that we are coming from a place of kindness. That always makes it easier to receive something difficult such as criticism, whereas if we speak with anger or righteousness, even if our arguments are good, the other person is much less likely to listen to them, but instead will react to a feeling of being attacked.

This reflection by Ajahn Abhinando is from the Forest Sangha Newsletter 2014, #93, p. 14.