Tough Blessings
Ayyā Medhānandī Bhikkhunī
Curious to try hermetic life, in 1999, I stepped outside the monastic cloister.
The following years without the support of the sorority were a test of my refuge, compelling me to rely on the qualities of compassion and forgiveness as never before. Still bound by monastic precepts, living on my own stirred feelings of anxiety and insecurity. From day to day, I did not know how my needs would be provided. There were no guarantees.
In time, the dragons of greed, anger, blame – all the desires in the mind – rose up menacingly to break me into small pieces. Although my spiritual sisters were no longer physically present, so many years of having them mirror back to me my frailties helped me see myself more clearly. Alone, I continued to benefit from the committee of their ‘voices’ and I would ask myself, “Why am I afraid?”
Those challenging times taught me where discontent begins: with fear, with wishing to be safe, with lack of faith, with wrong view about the nature of Reality. It was only when I was aware of the internal disquiet that I could calm my mind whereas being upset that no one had come forward to help only exacerbated my distress. I had to accept the situation to gain any measure of serenity and be grateful for those tough blessings.
You don’t have to take up the robe to practise in this way. Wherever we are, the earth under our feet is the place of our spiritual work. And the people we are in contact with are our best teachers – not least those who refuse to tolerate our foibles and temper tantrums – because they highlight our weak points.
So you might consider feeling grateful to them. Their rebuffs may be an unsung blessing – not acknowledged, not likely to be appreciated, and certainly not what we would consciously invite into our lives.
This reflection by Ayyā Medhānandī Bhikkhunī is from the book, Gone Forth, Going Beyond, (pdf) pp. 6-7.
